to blog or not to blog.

this blog has been quietly calling my name over the past few weeks, in a kind of ghostly, weak, whispery voice. every time i hear it, i think, "okay okay, i'll blog!" but then i don't. what's this all about? hmmm. i think i'm avoiding something.

except i don't know if i'm avoiding anything, really. i mean, okay, honestly, let's just put it all out there. i practice yoga a lot, like at least 5 times a week. it's hard to sustain avoidance mode when you're on your mat that much. PLUS i am in psychoanalysis -- yes, i said it, psychoanalysis, by which i of course mean 4 days a week on the couch freudian style. i'm like betty from mad men. no, not really, but kind of. not really. anyway, the point of all this is to say that if i'm avoiding something that this blog is trying to wake me up to, whatever it is has to be pretty darn tricky and stubborn to escape the rigorous anti-avoidance routine i've got going on in my life.

and yet, i know it's there. i am avoiding something. blahhhhhh i don't know. i think i should maybe rename this blog to whinybeanieyogini.blogspot.com.

i guess one thing i've been thinking about a lot lately is my stories -- you know, my autobiographical stories that i tell myself and other people all the time. you know what? i almost just started writing them out here, as if i need to tell them AGAIN. honestly, i'm getting really sick of listening to my stupid stories (like about how i'm not good at THIS, or i always react a certain way to THAT, or i just repeat a certain pattern in my life over and over again and i'm stuck, waaah waaah). but then i get kind of confused, because part of me wants to say, okay that's it! no more stories! i am DONE telling myself these stories! but then on the other hand, i think, well, a lot of the personal trauma and anger and angst that came from these stories' situations are things i need to learn from, and maybe i DO need to go back and retell the stories so that i can piece them apart, you know? like, unwind and disentangle them so that i can really see what happened.

this is where i feel like yoga and psychoanalysis are complete opposites. yoga says to me, "enough of the stories of who you were. what about the new stories about who you are and who you are becoming?" psychoanalysis says, "tell me the stories over and over again and let's really get into the emotions so that we can find out what's really going on here." it's hard!

MAYBE this is why i was avoiding my blog while also being DRAWN to my blog. eureka! that's it. the blog says, "tell the stories. dive in." avoiding the blog says, "the stories are boring and they don't matter and they're just self-indulgent ways to keep the angst alive."

but i know that writing is good, and blogging is good, and i like blogging. i don't really know why i like blogging -- i think there are like 2 people who actually read my blog, and those 2 people already know everything anyway because i see them on a regular basis and talk to them about this stuff. sooooo really, i don't know. what is the point of any of this? i don't know what the point is but i think i have to keep writing. we'll see where it leads.