to blog or not to blog.

this blog has been quietly calling my name over the past few weeks, in a kind of ghostly, weak, whispery voice. every time i hear it, i think, "okay okay, i'll blog!" but then i don't. what's this all about? hmmm. i think i'm avoiding something.

except i don't know if i'm avoiding anything, really. i mean, okay, honestly, let's just put it all out there. i practice yoga a lot, like at least 5 times a week. it's hard to sustain avoidance mode when you're on your mat that much. PLUS i am in psychoanalysis -- yes, i said it, psychoanalysis, by which i of course mean 4 days a week on the couch freudian style. i'm like betty from mad men. no, not really, but kind of. not really. anyway, the point of all this is to say that if i'm avoiding something that this blog is trying to wake me up to, whatever it is has to be pretty darn tricky and stubborn to escape the rigorous anti-avoidance routine i've got going on in my life.

and yet, i know it's there. i am avoiding something. blahhhhhh i don't know. i think i should maybe rename this blog to whinybeanieyogini.blogspot.com.

i guess one thing i've been thinking about a lot lately is my stories -- you know, my autobiographical stories that i tell myself and other people all the time. you know what? i almost just started writing them out here, as if i need to tell them AGAIN. honestly, i'm getting really sick of listening to my stupid stories (like about how i'm not good at THIS, or i always react a certain way to THAT, or i just repeat a certain pattern in my life over and over again and i'm stuck, waaah waaah). but then i get kind of confused, because part of me wants to say, okay that's it! no more stories! i am DONE telling myself these stories! but then on the other hand, i think, well, a lot of the personal trauma and anger and angst that came from these stories' situations are things i need to learn from, and maybe i DO need to go back and retell the stories so that i can piece them apart, you know? like, unwind and disentangle them so that i can really see what happened.

this is where i feel like yoga and psychoanalysis are complete opposites. yoga says to me, "enough of the stories of who you were. what about the new stories about who you are and who you are becoming?" psychoanalysis says, "tell me the stories over and over again and let's really get into the emotions so that we can find out what's really going on here." it's hard!

MAYBE this is why i was avoiding my blog while also being DRAWN to my blog. eureka! that's it. the blog says, "tell the stories. dive in." avoiding the blog says, "the stories are boring and they don't matter and they're just self-indulgent ways to keep the angst alive."

but i know that writing is good, and blogging is good, and i like blogging. i don't really know why i like blogging -- i think there are like 2 people who actually read my blog, and those 2 people already know everything anyway because i see them on a regular basis and talk to them about this stuff. sooooo really, i don't know. what is the point of any of this? i don't know what the point is but i think i have to keep writing. we'll see where it leads.

i love yoga

just came back from baron's class in brookline. something happened to me. i want to share it.

before class, i was lying on the couch in my analyst's office (yes, i am in psychoanalysis -- 4 days a week on the couch, okay?) talking about how so much of the theme of this past week has been about my voice. feedback from teacher training has centered a lot around my voice. i also noticed that in practice yesterday, i was shying away from any throat-opening postures that i might normally go for, specifically camel, which opens the heart and throat for me.

so back to the point. i went to baron's class today. he had us in eagle, and then we unwrapped our legs and stepped back into crescent lunge, keeping eagle arms. as i was doing this, he was nearby and did something magical to me, but man, i went back, my heart went up, my chest opened, and my head just dropped back, leaving my throat wide open. and the sound that came out of me? well, all i can say is it was a cross between a dying cow and an orgasm. i don't know how else to describe it.

so then, i came out of the posture and BAM started coughing. like a coughing fit. i dropped down to my knees and just coughed and coughed, and (if you're squeamish, you might want to close your eyes for this next part) i coughed up something REALLY nasty. it was gross. then i started crying and shaking, and i just stayed down for a little while.

the rest of class was incredible. i felt ALIVE and open and ready for anything and i wanted to sing! when i got into my car after class, i turned on martin sexton (the king of all inspirational music for me) and just belted it out all the way home.

ahhhhhhh. I LOVE YOGA!

here comes the sun (doo doo doo doo).

yesterday i was commenting to a lovely studio manager i know about how for the past few years, i feel like i've been dropping little seeds along the path of the my life. every time i drop a seed, i look down at it and say, "okay, seed, start growing!" but nothing happens -- at least nothing i can detect right then. but now, now, my friends, when i turn around and look at where i've been, all i see is this luscious, colorful, wild garden. those seeds that felt so insignificant have blossomed and bloomed, and things are really beginning to take shape. it feels... good.

it feels good! it feels authentic. maybe for the first time in my life, i feel that i'm achieving something by simply being me. no pushing, no conniving, no manipulating or forcing. in fact, the only way i've been able to arrive where i am right now is by stripping away those nasty ways of being -- those grasping, negative, desperate ways. and i'm only just beginning.

how many times have i heard claire say "set your intention, and the universe will conspire to bring you what you need"? probably over a hundred times. and now i know. she's absolutely right.

i'd like to share what i like to call a savasanallucination (savasana hallucination) i had last night in gregor's class. here it is. it's so perfectly obvious but i just love it.

i'm on this road, walking along, and it's kind of dark. on my right, there are all these men in suits. hundreds and hundreds of them, just standing there, expressionless, in their suits. so i'm walking, and i'm seeing them, and i'm thinking, wow, this is a lot of men in suits. and they all look exactly the same. but i'm okay with it. and i just keep walking. the road starts to journey uphill a bit and i can see some light starting to appear on the road ahead, so i keep walking uphill (not too steep, though), and suddenly, i see it. the sun. and it is breathtaking. the light is so pure, almost white, and i can look right at it without burning my eyes. it was the most beautiful thing i've ever seen. when i became aware of reality again -- that i was laying on my mat, dripping wet, with a towel over my eyes -- i realized that there were tears streaming down my face.

later on, i thought about how the sun is always there. even when it's dark, the sun is just around the corner and you simply have to wait for the earth to rotate so that you can see it again. and there's really nothing you can do to speed up the earth's rotation, so you might as well just breathe and have faith that soon enough, you'll start to see the sun's light kissing the road just ahead of you.

enter planopia

i don't know about you, but when i get an idea of something i want to do in my head, i'm like that coyote chasing the damn roadrunner again (what is it with me and those two?). i get fixated and a little obsessed.

in these moments of planstravaganza, AP likes to call me planopia.

it's fun to be excited about planning but there's always that tipping point, that place where the excitement turns to panic. i think i've ruminated on this particular process on this blog in the past. the excitement builds and builds, and then all the plans are in place, and then i feel like a chicken with her head cut off, still running around but basically about to drop at any moment. and then there's the gradual let-down of the planning being complete! and, i'm not afraid to admit, i have gone back to itineraries and just looked at them. yup, just looked at the itinerary. it's slightly ocd, i know.

so that's where i am right now. i booked a flight to LA to go to my beautiful cousin's wedding in november, and while i'm out there i'll be visiting another little chiquita banana whom i love and adore. and i'm super excited, but it's like... now what?

sometimes i think i'm really nuts.

little birdies birdies birdies

ok, quick post.

i'm at the studio and a bird just flew in and i can't get him to leave! i'm so afraid that he won't be able to find his way out and he'll be stuck in here.

also, on saturday when i was walking home from teaching a class in boston, a baby bird dropped out of the sky (really, he dropped), hit a car, and landed DIRECTLY in front of me, then hopped underneath a car. i spent the next half hour trying (with AP's help -- yes, i said AP, mr. lebsky) to shoo him out from under the car to save him, but to no avail. we had to leave him there and my heart was broken.

okay, so now there's a bird in the studio! and not only is there a bird in the studio, this little birdie landed his little grey self RIGHT ON TOP OF THE COMPUTER SCREEN and then flitted and chirped away and now i can't find him.

so what's with the birds and me? and why do they keep getting in precarious situations around me in which i have no power to save them?

what would freud say?

rain = safety

surprise, surprise... it's raining again! but this time there's thunder and lightning, which i think make the whole situation much more tolerable.

i have always always loved thunderstorms. i like being outside when they're happening -- i think something physiological happens to me. secretly, i envision myself as storm from x-men. doesn't she look exactly like me?


i mean, just LOOK at her. she's awesome! seriously, that is how i feel when there's a thunderstorm.

but there's a psychological reason why i love storms. as a kid, i was terrified of robbers and fires. every night before i went to bed, i had to repeat to myself my protocol in the case of robbers and/or a fire.

robbers:
i would take my telephone (complete with extra long phone cord specifically for this emergency situation) into my closet and call 9-1-1, then jump out my window (i was on the first floor) and run around the back to my brother's window and rescue him, and then we would throw rocks at my parents' windows on the second floor and wake them up, and they would jump down from their deck (never was quite able to figure out how we'd prevent broken bones, but i thought broken bones were better than death) and we'd all flee.

fire:
i would take three things:
1. murphy (my teddy bear, featured in photo below with me last year on a flight to europe)

2. my bathrobe
3. my slippers

and then i'd follow the same protocol for robbers in regards to rescuing my parents and brother.

so this was my nightly thought-ritual, and i felt pretty darn prepared for the worst-case scenario, which i was convinced would someday come to pass.

except that when it was raining, all my worries went away. first of all, what robbers in their right minds would want to rob houses in the rain? (yes, this was my rationale.) they'd get all wet, and any stuff they were trying to steal would get wet too. and if there was a fire? built-in protection from the rain! so in my kid mind, rain = safety.

these days, my nighttime fears are a little more complex -- i wake up in panics about what the hell i'm doing with my life and rarely freak out about robbers or fires anymore. maybe that's because last year AP and i were actually broken into (we weren't home), and so in some ways, the inevitable has come to pass so my anticipatory fear/anxiety is no longer necessary. as far as fires go, well, i did light my oven on fire trying to bake a passover cake a few years ago, and that was scary. but we survived.

but it's still the case that when it's night time, and it's raining, falling (and staying) asleep happens much easier for me. and, yes, i still sleep with my bear. :)

helllllllo, ego stuff.

warning: this post is long and ranting and you might think i'm a big whiner after reading it, but i think i need to post it anyway.

my goodness (another digital freudian slip there -- i typed "my goodnews" instead of "my goodness"), so much has come through my life in the past few days. instead of giving you a play-by-play of the past 5 days, i think i need to hash through this philosophical/psychological wall i'm bumping up against right now. i'm talking about the edge.

those of you who are familiar with baron baptiste and his philosophy know what i'm talking about. in journey into power, baron says:

"the edge is where we come right up against ourselves and what we can do and be. it is the boundary between where we are and where we grow - the place of comfortable discomfort where all growing, and healing, happens."

which i get. i mean, i get the idea of the edge, i've been there on my mat and in my life more times than i can count. for a long time, i reached my edge very quickly coming into camel/ustrasana and it didn't always feel good. because it happened so fast, suddenly i felt like wile e. coyote in that moment when he's somehow run off the cliff, and has a second to realize he's about to fall... yeah. that's how i used to feel in camel a lot of the time. shear panic -- ice cold liquid in my veins and hot flashes all at once. i'd shoot back up to a seated position and just wait for the rest of the class to finish with their posture.

but then something happened -- i caught on to this pattern. i asked myself what the heck i was so afraid of. "it's just a posture. what's the big deal?" i decided to stay with the panic moment, to stay with myself through it, to see what was on the other side. and (you all know how this story ends) what was on the other side was BLISS. yup, just plain old peaceful open-hearted bliss.

not surprisingly, all this asana struggle & breakthrough taking place on my mat was being played out off of it as well. at the time, i was in an exceedingly difficult situation with a woman i worked for. boundaries were being crossed left and right, and i found myself in drag-down fights with her, usually ending in tears and slamming doors. yeah, it was absurd. and emotionally exhausting on a daily basis. after about 3 months of this, i started having fantasies of quitting my job -- what really scathing horrible thing i could say to her on my way out the door, dead things i could send to her in the mail, etc. you know the drill. i was in a bad place with her. but every day, i'd leave work and go directly to the studio and work through my anger with her on my mat and in my practice. that's when the camel panic hit its peak. and when i had that breakthrough, i learned something about staying -- something i'd somehow managed to avoid learning for over 25 years. i learned that if i could stay with myself through a tough moment and not plot my great escape, i might find a peaceful, triumphant place right on the other side.

that, to me, is the edge.

but okay. so i stayed at the job. and the mean woman left a few months later. and it's been over year since she left and i'm still here. but i'm not happy.

which brings me, at long last, to the problem:

if the edge is a place where you come up against yourself, as baron says -- where things get a little chaotic inside and you feel like you want to run -- then what is the difference between the edge and just being really done with the thing you've been doing ?

baron also says:

"playing your edge in yoga doesn't always mean going for it or pushing yourself to do something that overwhelms you. that's ego stuff and it can lead to injury."

right. ego stuff. THIS IS ALL EGO STUFF. right now, i am a big bag of ego stuff.

ugh. i think i need to go to yoga now. being in your head sucks.

am i on the edge or am i past it? maybe i'm actually falling.

update:just realized something important talking to AP -- usually my ego says GO and my intuition says STAY. but right now it's the other way around. right now, my ego says STAY but my intuition says GO.

whyyyyy?

thank you, mj

Thriller was released on november 30, 1982, when i was 1 year and 2 months old, exactly. and, according to what i can track down on the internets, the video was first aired on MTV on friday, december 2, 1983.

well, i know it's probably crazy, but i remember when it aired. i was just over 2 years old. my parents were out and i was home with a babysitter whose name i can no longer remember.

all i remember about that video is being completely terrified! my parents will even back me up on this -- i was traumatized for weeks. and apparently they fired the babysitter.

then, when it was the 10 year anniversary of thriller, i remember that i was babysitting. i don't think i'd seen the video since it first aired, and i remember watching it during the day and being scared! how crazy is that? i guess those childhood emotions got stuck.

now, more than 20 years after Thriller first aired, i watch the video and feel gratitude and respect for this man, who in many ways was always a child, a sick person no doubt, but someone who i believe really wanted to just be loved, the way we all do.

so, thank you, michael. i hope that you can now find peace.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtyJbIOZjS8

inhaaaaaale, exhaaaaaaale

when i started my first job scooping ice cream at baskin robbins back in my hometown in connecticut, i remember being tortured by dreams where i was just continuously, incessantly, obsessively scooping ice cream... scooping... scooping... scooping.

then, when i started my first post-college job as a research assistant here in beantown, i had dreams in which this little man was frantically trying to organize my thoughts into excel spreadsheets.

for the past two nights, my dreams have consisted of:

arms up on the inhale
exhale bow forward
inhale halfway lift
exhale high pushup, forward and down into low pushup
upward facing on the inhale
doooownward facing dog on the exhale
deep breath iiiin
and exhaaaale
inhaaaaale
exhaaaaale

repeat.

i'm not kidding!

so what's this all about, this repetitive loop i get into? the last time this happened (with the freakin' spreadsheets), i spent many nights in this weird limbo land -- not fully asleep but definitely not awake. i remember being terrified that there was something seriously wrong with me and that i'd never get another good night's sleep again.

this time, i realize that this process, this repetition in dreaming, is kind of like my psyche in overachiever mode. last night, i woke up, and told myself to relax. "you know this," i said. "go back to sleep. that's all you have to do right now." and it worked, for a while. hopefully tonight my mind will be a little more restful.

only one more day of rain until the sun comes out!

the system

i guess i'll start by stating the obvious: it's monday. and it's raining.

i'm not sure exactly how many days it's been since we've seen the sun, but i, for one, am really missing it. i *think* it's supposed to grace us with its presence here in beantown on thursday. ahhh, only two more days of dreariness. as far as the weather goes.

for me, though, coming off of such an inspiring weekend back to my regular day job at a boston-area hospital just isn't doing much to help with the anti-dreariness cause.

let's just get right down to it. i want to leave.

many people would say, "okay, carpe diem! what are you waiting for?" and then maybe something just perfectly cliché like "be the change you want to see in the world," or something like that, that would inspire me temporarily, only to inevitably fall back into this chaotic buzzing in my mind of: how does that work exactly? what about my mortgage? how will i be able to bring in enough money to support myself? and then there are the other thoughts, like: what exactly am i going to DO?

i know that i want to teach yoga. let me rephrase that. i fear that if i don't teach yoga on a regular basis, i might wither away and sort of disintegrate into a memory of a self. or put another way: (almost) everything inside me is saying: YES TEACH NOW.

i say "almost" because there is still an aspect of myself that is desperately fighting against this change. yesterday in teacher training (herefore nicknamed TT) gregor described this in a way that just BAM struck a chord right down to my core. he called it the system, basically, a mechanism within each of us with the express purpose of keeping us stuck to the status quo. (as i'm writing this, i'm having a hard time getting the right words out -- maybe that's the influence of my own system hard at work.) i don't think i can do justice to gregor's description, but let me say that for me, what i heard was:

there is a part of me (the system) that is intent on maintaining a certain identity. when i start to connect to something deeper and perhaps wiser and more ancient within me, the system freaks out and goes into overdrive, catapulting negativity at me from every direction, making me doubt myself (my self). the system exists only to perpetuate itself, and this change that's on the horizon threatens to obliterate so much of the identity that the system is trying to uphold.

i think this idea resounds in me because i've been trying to understand this very dynamic within myself for a loooong time now. in other words, why is that when i get excited about something new, some change, some big opportunity, the excitement very quickly turns to anxiety and panic? is that the work of the system? i think so but i need to process this more.

WOW big sigh. deep breath in. and out.

i'm definitely in it. so, here's my oath (i just accidentally typed "path" -- digital freudian slip?)...
okay, let's try again.

so, here's my PATH for this week:
- practice yoga at the studio (important because of community and connection, which i need right now) every day
- sit quietly every day at least once
- journal, journal, journal
- try to listen without judgment to myself and to those around me

and to end this entry, a snippet from max ehrmann that has moved me for about a week now (many thanks to miss shokoh for sharing).

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

feeling the glow

Just got home from the first day of teacher training at BPYI. I don't know what to say. Are there even words to describe this feeling? How about amazingheartcenteringandopeningstrengtheningvoicegivinglovinglovinglovingbeautifulsharingand connectingwithotherpeoplewithmyselfwithSOURCE.

Yeah, I think that sums it up. For today.

Now off to eat some hummus, shower, and get ready for a night out on the town! AP (the man I am blessed to call my husband) and his dad, stepmom, and siiiister will be meeting me at Border Cafe in Harvard Square! Mmmmmm.... can't wait to gorge on chips and salsa and maybe indulge in one (or two?) margaritas!

thank you, mary oliver.

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations --
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road was full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice,
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.

- The Journey, Mary Oliver

and, here we go...

This is my first blogging experience, and I have to say, I'm pretty skeptical. Not just about my own blogability, but about the whole enterprise of blogging in general. That said, I have also stumbled upon a few blogs in the past year or so (www.omgal.com, www.justsayingblog.com, welcomingspace.blogspot.com, to name a few recent faves) that have really caught my attention. So, I figured I'd give it a try.

I have two main reasons for venturing into this crazy blogosphere (or whatever the cool kids are calling it these days):

1. I'm starting official yoga teacher training this weekend at Baptiste Power Yoga Institute (BPYI: www.baronbaptiste.com) in Cambridge. After over 10 years of practicing yoga, 4+ of which at our incredible studio in Cambridge, plus over 2 years of emotional toil and debate, I've finally just opened up to what I've been searching for all along -- teaching. So, teacher training begins tomorrow, and I figured what better time to find some solace in writing than now?

2. I need to connect. Okay, okay, I know the idea of connection via World Wide Web might seem strange, but really what this is about is wanting to connect to my OWN voice. Through words. Once upon a teenage time, I was the world's most avid journal-keeper. I think I'm missing some of that. So, now that we're in the digital age, maybe I'll find that outlet through blogging.

So there we have it, two pretty straightforward reasons for setting off into the matrixy-weirdness that is the internet. We'll see how it goes.