helllllllo, ego stuff.

warning: this post is long and ranting and you might think i'm a big whiner after reading it, but i think i need to post it anyway.

my goodness (another digital freudian slip there -- i typed "my goodnews" instead of "my goodness"), so much has come through my life in the past few days. instead of giving you a play-by-play of the past 5 days, i think i need to hash through this philosophical/psychological wall i'm bumping up against right now. i'm talking about the edge.

those of you who are familiar with baron baptiste and his philosophy know what i'm talking about. in journey into power, baron says:

"the edge is where we come right up against ourselves and what we can do and be. it is the boundary between where we are and where we grow - the place of comfortable discomfort where all growing, and healing, happens."

which i get. i mean, i get the idea of the edge, i've been there on my mat and in my life more times than i can count. for a long time, i reached my edge very quickly coming into camel/ustrasana and it didn't always feel good. because it happened so fast, suddenly i felt like wile e. coyote in that moment when he's somehow run off the cliff, and has a second to realize he's about to fall... yeah. that's how i used to feel in camel a lot of the time. shear panic -- ice cold liquid in my veins and hot flashes all at once. i'd shoot back up to a seated position and just wait for the rest of the class to finish with their posture.

but then something happened -- i caught on to this pattern. i asked myself what the heck i was so afraid of. "it's just a posture. what's the big deal?" i decided to stay with the panic moment, to stay with myself through it, to see what was on the other side. and (you all know how this story ends) what was on the other side was BLISS. yup, just plain old peaceful open-hearted bliss.

not surprisingly, all this asana struggle & breakthrough taking place on my mat was being played out off of it as well. at the time, i was in an exceedingly difficult situation with a woman i worked for. boundaries were being crossed left and right, and i found myself in drag-down fights with her, usually ending in tears and slamming doors. yeah, it was absurd. and emotionally exhausting on a daily basis. after about 3 months of this, i started having fantasies of quitting my job -- what really scathing horrible thing i could say to her on my way out the door, dead things i could send to her in the mail, etc. you know the drill. i was in a bad place with her. but every day, i'd leave work and go directly to the studio and work through my anger with her on my mat and in my practice. that's when the camel panic hit its peak. and when i had that breakthrough, i learned something about staying -- something i'd somehow managed to avoid learning for over 25 years. i learned that if i could stay with myself through a tough moment and not plot my great escape, i might find a peaceful, triumphant place right on the other side.

that, to me, is the edge.

but okay. so i stayed at the job. and the mean woman left a few months later. and it's been over year since she left and i'm still here. but i'm not happy.

which brings me, at long last, to the problem:

if the edge is a place where you come up against yourself, as baron says -- where things get a little chaotic inside and you feel like you want to run -- then what is the difference between the edge and just being really done with the thing you've been doing ?

baron also says:

"playing your edge in yoga doesn't always mean going for it or pushing yourself to do something that overwhelms you. that's ego stuff and it can lead to injury."

right. ego stuff. THIS IS ALL EGO STUFF. right now, i am a big bag of ego stuff.

ugh. i think i need to go to yoga now. being in your head sucks.

am i on the edge or am i past it? maybe i'm actually falling.

update:just realized something important talking to AP -- usually my ego says GO and my intuition says STAY. but right now it's the other way around. right now, my ego says STAY but my intuition says GO.

whyyyyy?

thank you, mj

Thriller was released on november 30, 1982, when i was 1 year and 2 months old, exactly. and, according to what i can track down on the internets, the video was first aired on MTV on friday, december 2, 1983.

well, i know it's probably crazy, but i remember when it aired. i was just over 2 years old. my parents were out and i was home with a babysitter whose name i can no longer remember.

all i remember about that video is being completely terrified! my parents will even back me up on this -- i was traumatized for weeks. and apparently they fired the babysitter.

then, when it was the 10 year anniversary of thriller, i remember that i was babysitting. i don't think i'd seen the video since it first aired, and i remember watching it during the day and being scared! how crazy is that? i guess those childhood emotions got stuck.

now, more than 20 years after Thriller first aired, i watch the video and feel gratitude and respect for this man, who in many ways was always a child, a sick person no doubt, but someone who i believe really wanted to just be loved, the way we all do.

so, thank you, michael. i hope that you can now find peace.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtyJbIOZjS8

inhaaaaaale, exhaaaaaaale

when i started my first job scooping ice cream at baskin robbins back in my hometown in connecticut, i remember being tortured by dreams where i was just continuously, incessantly, obsessively scooping ice cream... scooping... scooping... scooping.

then, when i started my first post-college job as a research assistant here in beantown, i had dreams in which this little man was frantically trying to organize my thoughts into excel spreadsheets.

for the past two nights, my dreams have consisted of:

arms up on the inhale
exhale bow forward
inhale halfway lift
exhale high pushup, forward and down into low pushup
upward facing on the inhale
doooownward facing dog on the exhale
deep breath iiiin
and exhaaaale
inhaaaaale
exhaaaaale

repeat.

i'm not kidding!

so what's this all about, this repetitive loop i get into? the last time this happened (with the freakin' spreadsheets), i spent many nights in this weird limbo land -- not fully asleep but definitely not awake. i remember being terrified that there was something seriously wrong with me and that i'd never get another good night's sleep again.

this time, i realize that this process, this repetition in dreaming, is kind of like my psyche in overachiever mode. last night, i woke up, and told myself to relax. "you know this," i said. "go back to sleep. that's all you have to do right now." and it worked, for a while. hopefully tonight my mind will be a little more restful.

only one more day of rain until the sun comes out!

the system

i guess i'll start by stating the obvious: it's monday. and it's raining.

i'm not sure exactly how many days it's been since we've seen the sun, but i, for one, am really missing it. i *think* it's supposed to grace us with its presence here in beantown on thursday. ahhh, only two more days of dreariness. as far as the weather goes.

for me, though, coming off of such an inspiring weekend back to my regular day job at a boston-area hospital just isn't doing much to help with the anti-dreariness cause.

let's just get right down to it. i want to leave.

many people would say, "okay, carpe diem! what are you waiting for?" and then maybe something just perfectly cliché like "be the change you want to see in the world," or something like that, that would inspire me temporarily, only to inevitably fall back into this chaotic buzzing in my mind of: how does that work exactly? what about my mortgage? how will i be able to bring in enough money to support myself? and then there are the other thoughts, like: what exactly am i going to DO?

i know that i want to teach yoga. let me rephrase that. i fear that if i don't teach yoga on a regular basis, i might wither away and sort of disintegrate into a memory of a self. or put another way: (almost) everything inside me is saying: YES TEACH NOW.

i say "almost" because there is still an aspect of myself that is desperately fighting against this change. yesterday in teacher training (herefore nicknamed TT) gregor described this in a way that just BAM struck a chord right down to my core. he called it the system, basically, a mechanism within each of us with the express purpose of keeping us stuck to the status quo. (as i'm writing this, i'm having a hard time getting the right words out -- maybe that's the influence of my own system hard at work.) i don't think i can do justice to gregor's description, but let me say that for me, what i heard was:

there is a part of me (the system) that is intent on maintaining a certain identity. when i start to connect to something deeper and perhaps wiser and more ancient within me, the system freaks out and goes into overdrive, catapulting negativity at me from every direction, making me doubt myself (my self). the system exists only to perpetuate itself, and this change that's on the horizon threatens to obliterate so much of the identity that the system is trying to uphold.

i think this idea resounds in me because i've been trying to understand this very dynamic within myself for a loooong time now. in other words, why is that when i get excited about something new, some change, some big opportunity, the excitement very quickly turns to anxiety and panic? is that the work of the system? i think so but i need to process this more.

WOW big sigh. deep breath in. and out.

i'm definitely in it. so, here's my oath (i just accidentally typed "path" -- digital freudian slip?)...
okay, let's try again.

so, here's my PATH for this week:
- practice yoga at the studio (important because of community and connection, which i need right now) every day
- sit quietly every day at least once
- journal, journal, journal
- try to listen without judgment to myself and to those around me

and to end this entry, a snippet from max ehrmann that has moved me for about a week now (many thanks to miss shokoh for sharing).

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

feeling the glow

Just got home from the first day of teacher training at BPYI. I don't know what to say. Are there even words to describe this feeling? How about amazingheartcenteringandopeningstrengtheningvoicegivinglovinglovinglovingbeautifulsharingand connectingwithotherpeoplewithmyselfwithSOURCE.

Yeah, I think that sums it up. For today.

Now off to eat some hummus, shower, and get ready for a night out on the town! AP (the man I am blessed to call my husband) and his dad, stepmom, and siiiister will be meeting me at Border Cafe in Harvard Square! Mmmmmm.... can't wait to gorge on chips and salsa and maybe indulge in one (or two?) margaritas!

thank you, mary oliver.

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations --
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road was full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice,
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.

- The Journey, Mary Oliver

and, here we go...

This is my first blogging experience, and I have to say, I'm pretty skeptical. Not just about my own blogability, but about the whole enterprise of blogging in general. That said, I have also stumbled upon a few blogs in the past year or so (www.omgal.com, www.justsayingblog.com, welcomingspace.blogspot.com, to name a few recent faves) that have really caught my attention. So, I figured I'd give it a try.

I have two main reasons for venturing into this crazy blogosphere (or whatever the cool kids are calling it these days):

1. I'm starting official yoga teacher training this weekend at Baptiste Power Yoga Institute (BPYI: www.baronbaptiste.com) in Cambridge. After over 10 years of practicing yoga, 4+ of which at our incredible studio in Cambridge, plus over 2 years of emotional toil and debate, I've finally just opened up to what I've been searching for all along -- teaching. So, teacher training begins tomorrow, and I figured what better time to find some solace in writing than now?

2. I need to connect. Okay, okay, I know the idea of connection via World Wide Web might seem strange, but really what this is about is wanting to connect to my OWN voice. Through words. Once upon a teenage time, I was the world's most avid journal-keeper. I think I'm missing some of that. So, now that we're in the digital age, maybe I'll find that outlet through blogging.

So there we have it, two pretty straightforward reasons for setting off into the matrixy-weirdness that is the internet. We'll see how it goes.