the system

i guess i'll start by stating the obvious: it's monday. and it's raining.

i'm not sure exactly how many days it's been since we've seen the sun, but i, for one, am really missing it. i *think* it's supposed to grace us with its presence here in beantown on thursday. ahhh, only two more days of dreariness. as far as the weather goes.

for me, though, coming off of such an inspiring weekend back to my regular day job at a boston-area hospital just isn't doing much to help with the anti-dreariness cause.

let's just get right down to it. i want to leave.

many people would say, "okay, carpe diem! what are you waiting for?" and then maybe something just perfectly cliché like "be the change you want to see in the world," or something like that, that would inspire me temporarily, only to inevitably fall back into this chaotic buzzing in my mind of: how does that work exactly? what about my mortgage? how will i be able to bring in enough money to support myself? and then there are the other thoughts, like: what exactly am i going to DO?

i know that i want to teach yoga. let me rephrase that. i fear that if i don't teach yoga on a regular basis, i might wither away and sort of disintegrate into a memory of a self. or put another way: (almost) everything inside me is saying: YES TEACH NOW.

i say "almost" because there is still an aspect of myself that is desperately fighting against this change. yesterday in teacher training (herefore nicknamed TT) gregor described this in a way that just BAM struck a chord right down to my core. he called it the system, basically, a mechanism within each of us with the express purpose of keeping us stuck to the status quo. (as i'm writing this, i'm having a hard time getting the right words out -- maybe that's the influence of my own system hard at work.) i don't think i can do justice to gregor's description, but let me say that for me, what i heard was:

there is a part of me (the system) that is intent on maintaining a certain identity. when i start to connect to something deeper and perhaps wiser and more ancient within me, the system freaks out and goes into overdrive, catapulting negativity at me from every direction, making me doubt myself (my self). the system exists only to perpetuate itself, and this change that's on the horizon threatens to obliterate so much of the identity that the system is trying to uphold.

i think this idea resounds in me because i've been trying to understand this very dynamic within myself for a loooong time now. in other words, why is that when i get excited about something new, some change, some big opportunity, the excitement very quickly turns to anxiety and panic? is that the work of the system? i think so but i need to process this more.

WOW big sigh. deep breath in. and out.

i'm definitely in it. so, here's my oath (i just accidentally typed "path" -- digital freudian slip?)...
okay, let's try again.

so, here's my PATH for this week:
- practice yoga at the studio (important because of community and connection, which i need right now) every day
- sit quietly every day at least once
- journal, journal, journal
- try to listen without judgment to myself and to those around me

and to end this entry, a snippet from max ehrmann that has moved me for about a week now (many thanks to miss shokoh for sharing).

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.